Our politicians are never going to agree on Brexit, so how about we have a sporting showdown to solve the problem once and for all, says Neil Farmer, an arable and sheep farmer from the Herefordshire-Worcestershire border.
Cast your mind back to June 23 2016. You are in the polling booth and the choices are remain or leave.
Perhaps the ballot paper should have read ‘remain or be subjected to months and months of endless reports and debate on The Today Programme, Newsnight, Question Time, BBC News, 5 Live and all newspapers’.
If this question had been asked, I’m sure the result would have been 90 per cent remain and the 10 per cent who voted to leave would all work for the media.
You have to ask what the media will do if The Brexit Question is ever sorted out. There won’t be any more overtime, that’s for sure.
In fact, we can now hear from Jon Snow at Channel Four News: “Well Cathy, what is happening on the green at Westminster?”
“Thank you Jon, I have been living here in my two-man tent for the past three years, and to be quite honest, the only development is the guy who keeps shouting ‘STOP BREXIT’ has lost his voice, so we are having a whip round to buy him some Strepsils.
“Other than that, there doesn’t appear to be any agreement or compromise in Parliament, and it doesn’t look like there ever will be. The politics of Brexit have proved impossible.
“Cathy Newman, for Channel Four News at Westminster.”
And there we have it summed up in one simple sentence – the two sides will never agree. So, what to do?
Round these parts, if there is a dispute which cannot be sorted out, things are decided with an arm wrestle – best of three of course.
It could be known as ‘The Meaningful Arm Wrestle’. We could have Teresa ‘Tiger Feet’ May against Michel ‘The Bruiser’ Barnier, although that could be a bit of a mismatch.
What about Nigel Farage against Donald Tusk? Nige would have ‘im no problem, especially after a couple of pints of Tumble Tussock.
If arm wrestling is less than satisfactory, what about cards. Brexit is a big gamble, so poker would seem appropriate.
But there’s a lot to risk on the turn of a card, £39 billion in fact, so what about a game of football?
It could be over two legs home and away, and just like the Champions League, away goals count double.
Wembley and the San Siro should host – we could do with a trip to Milan.
We could have a rematch of the 1966 World Cup Final, but we’d need a more recent team. Rooney, Becks, the class of ‘92 perhaps?
Although the lads did really well in Russia last summer, so we could call up Gareth Bale to represent Wales and Ally McCoist for Scotland. What if it goes to penalties though?
Gareth Southgate could bring himself on in the last minute of extra time and Stuart Pearce, Psycho, would never miss (not again anyway).
Rugby Union is another option – an ‘Indicative Rugby Match’. Wales against Ireland in Dublin, or perhaps not, we would have to have halfway line checks!
Wales against Italy then, at the Stade de France, what a weekend that would be.
We could travel over Friday morning and come back Sunday afternoon, drink Paris dry while we’re there, who cares about the result.
Or what about cricket? Would we need a backstop? No, no, you have a wicket keeper in cricket.
We would have no trouble raising a team, but does anyone in Europe play cricket? Holland enter the World Cup I believe. We could play a ‘Five Day Ratification Test’ at Old Trafford.
Snooker. The Brits are the best in the world at snooker, it would have to be at the Crucible, but can you think of any European snooker players? Nope, me neither.
OK, how about winter sports? We would have no chance in the downhill against those Austrians, they are born on skis.
Ice skating? Could we coax Torvill and Dean out of retirement? No, it would have to be curling with Rhona Martin and Eve Muirhead. The Scottish lasses are fab, they wouldn’t let us down.
Tennis perhaps – it’s a shame Andy has injured his hip, but it’s a good job Roger is Swiss. Looks like we’d be up against Rafael – he’s not so good on grass, so Wimbledon it is.
We could have a Ryder Cup-style winner takes all golf tournament to decide Brexit in the Spanish sunshine.
Rory Mcllroy for Northern Ireland, Monty for Scotland, Woosy for Wales and Ian Poulter for England. What a four-ball team.
But wait a minute, Europe has Molinari, Garcia and Stenson. How are we going beat them?
All bets are off… just like all bets are off concerning the outcome of Brexit.
It would appear that there will never be an agreement, so perhaps a sporting showdown is the only way. Synchronized swimming anyone?
Neil can be found tweeting at @Nelliefarmhouse