Farmer: "We are a proud industry but my pride almost broke me"

I have read about mental health in the press and the odd campaign here and there. But I have never felt that anyone has quite hit the nail on the head in describing the experience I have been through (though I probably did not realise I was having my own mental health struggle at the time).

I have tried to understand what I have gone through, by using the analogy of a bad back.

A bad back and agriculture go hand-in-hand and we have all had one from time to time in one severity or another.

Some get over it in a day or two with some rest, some seek professional help and others put up with it, keep on working and it niggles them forever. For others, it gives in completely and they are powerless until they are rested, have taken medicine and seek professional help.

I always thought I had a strong ‘back’.

My farming career had never been straightforward, coupled with personal losses.

When I had been under pressure my go to position was to work harder and longer and my ’back’ took it.

I was never afraid to take on other projects on and off farm as I had a strong ’back’ that relished challenges and I actually thought with greater experience my ’back’ was stronger. And it probably was.

I felt my ‘back’ was weakening a year to the day after I lost my father. I guess a combination of adrenaline and not really actually taking the weight of the loss made me feel okay when I was not.

Speaking to the doctor over the phone, I was given prescriptions, but I felt no benefit.

Sometimes people put their back out and are incapable of what they did before without a real rest and real care. That happened to me.

I later saw an amazing doctor who saw straight away I had put my ‘back’ out seriously and saw I was going to need all manner of different things, plus time to get me back to dealing with challenges again.

My ‘back’ is better, but not there yet. I will probably never put it under the same pressure again, but thanks to that doctor I am still here.